How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
