Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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