I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
