can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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