just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
