I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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