I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
