I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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