my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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