Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
