he told me I talked like a deaf person
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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