my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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