If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
