it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
