Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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