so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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