At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
