so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
