if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
