distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
