Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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