There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
