Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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