you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
