never play flip cup with pint glasses
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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