I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
