if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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