I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
