i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
