You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Enjoy the penises
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
