it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Someone shattered a urinal.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
