I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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