I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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