Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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