i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
