I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
