just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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