sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just cut my nipple shaving
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
