Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
