I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
