Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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