At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
