pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
