We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dicks are not precious.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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