it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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