I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We left the knife in your bed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
