a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
