Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
