thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
