i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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