I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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