the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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