I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
