You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
