I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
