If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
