Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
