a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
