those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
