Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
