Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
