Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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