how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
